13

The compound came into view. There were a few people standing around in the parking lot. They appeared lost, directionless. Opie walked Vera to her door and said goodbye.

Vera entered to find Lisa, still in pajamas, at the little kitchen table. “Where the hell were you?”

“I went for a walk.”‘

“Are you crazy? Was that Andy?”

“Opie.”

“Kinky,” Lisa said. She sipped from her mug of tea. “I was worried to death. Where did you go?”

“I walked over to the bridge.”

“Is help coming?”

Vera shrugged. “Why don’t you get some clothes on so we can go grab some breakfast.”

One of Lisa’s friends joined them at their table. She was a tall woman from Albuquerque named Melissa Begay. Vera studied the once-blonde, blue-eyed woman. Like so many there, she had adopted the Santa Fe style, Georgia O’Keeffe chic.

“Isn’t ‘Begay’ a Navajo name?” Vera asked.

Melissa nodded. “My first husband was Navajo. I kept his name because I liked it better than my own.”

“What is your last name?” Lisa asked.

Vera wanted to say to Lisa, If she didn’t like it why make her say it, but she didn’t.

Melissa looked at her powdered eggs and fake bacon. “Crump,” she said.

“Oh,” Lisa said.

“‘Begay’ is a nice name,” Lisa said.

The three of them laughed.

Vera stopped laughing when she glanced out the window and saw again the taped-over cabin that had been Tori Lockwood’s. She wondered how people could be so frightened and uncertain and yet sit, talk, and even laugh. There seemed to be a constant presence of a couple of people standing in front of Dishti nine, as if they were taking turns making certain no ghost escaped.

“I used to be a hippie,” Melissa said. “I mean a hard-core hippie. Lived in a yurt and grew pot, the whole nine yards.”

Vera nodded.

“I went to Woodstock,” Lisa said. “Never made it to the concert. Spent the whole time on the road.”

“How many years have you been here?” Vera asked.

“Four.”

“Did you know Tori?” Vera asked.

“Not really. I don’t know why everybody was so upset with her. You know that What happens in Kachina stays in Kachina line? Well, that’s all about bed-hopping.”

“I figured,” Vera said. “I guess she hopped into the wrong bed.”

There was a scream outside. Vera looked out to see people running. Those in the cafeteria moved to the doors. Vera was still pulling on her coat when she got to the place where the crowd had stalled.

Jerry the composer was walking toward them. His tan down-filled parka was soaked in what appeared to be blood. He was wailing, crying. He was carrying in his left hand what appeared to be a severed human arm. A woman fainted. Several people screamed and ran away, some into the cafeteria, some back to their cabins. Andy—Vera believed it to be Andy—, Harv, and Vera ran toward Jerry and the arm.

14

Jerry fell to his knees. “She’s dead,” he said. “She’s dead.”

“Who?” Harv asked. “Jerry, who?”

“Back there, back there,” Jerry cried. “She’s in pieces.”

Andy ran up the trail. Vera ran after. She didn’t know why she was running after him but it seemed the right thing to do. Maybe the woman was alive and needed help. She realized that running to the trouble was for her as much a function of fear as running away was for other people. At the first fork, Andy and Harv split up. Vera followed Andy up the left trail. At the next junction she caught up to him.

“We don’t even know which way to go,” Andy said. It was in fact Andy. She could tell now, she thought.

“Should we split up?”

“No way,” he said. “We don’t know what’s out here. Harv.” He headed back the way they had come.

Harv had decided to come back also. “I couldn’t find anything,” he said. “We’re going to have to get Jerry to show us where.”

“Good luck with that,” Andy said. “Did you see him? I doubt he can find his cabin right now.”

“That’s if he wants to find his way back,” Vera said.

The men looked at her.

“I mean, maybe it was so horrible that he can’t think. Or maybe—” she paused.

“Maybe what?” Harv asked.

“Maybe he killed whoever it is. What was he doing out here?” Vera felt bad for saying that.

“We’d better get back,” Harv said.

Back at the compound a few people had had the same thought as Vera. Jerry had been tied with an electrical extension cord to a chair in the lobby of the main office. A crowd stood outside. Vera stood just inside the door and studied the three men and two women who were watching over Jerry.

“Why do you have him tied like that?” Andy asked.

“What if he’s the killer?” Tad Gibson said.

“First of all, we don’t know if anyone’s dead,” Harv said.

“Tori’s dead,” a woman said.

“Anyone else,” Harv corrected himself.

“He was carrying an arm,” Gibson said.

“Where is the arm?” Andy asked.

Gibson pointed. The arm had been placed on a nest of plastic garbage bags on the sofa. Vera looked at it. There was a bracelet, a bracelet with turquoise stones, and she remembered having seen one like it.

“Sparrow,” Vera said aloud.

“What?” from Harv.

“She had a bracelet like that one.”

“Are you sure?” Harv asked.

“I’m not sure,” Vera said.

Harv went to the door. “Is Sparrow Stephenson out there? Has anyone see Sparrow Stephenson?”

Everyone looked around. “I haven’t see her,” from Melissa.

“Me neither,” another woman said.

“We’ve got to find whoever it is,” Harv said. “She could be bleeding to death out there.”

Jerry looked up. “She’s dead, I tell you.”

“Where, Jerry?” Andy asked.

“Up the trail,” Jerry cried.

“How far up the trail?” Andy asked.

“Which trail? Which fork?” Harv asked.

“I don’t know.”

“It was horrible,” Jerry said. He tugged at his restraints.

“Can you take us there?” Vera asked.

Harv looked at her, then repeated the question. “Can you take us there, Jerry?”

“Did you see anyone else up there?” Vera asked. “Any animals?” She recalled her experience in the gorge.

“Blood,” Jerry said, shaking his head. “I can’t go back out there.”

“He can’t help us,” Harv said.

“Or doesn’t want to,” Gibson said.

“I’ll go back and search the trails.” Andy zipped up his coat.

“I’ll go with you,” Vera said.

Andy looked at her and then at Harv. “Okay. Better than being alone,” he said. “Let’s go.”

The two of them walked through the crowd and ignored questions. Did Jerry do it? Was it Sparrow? Where are you going? Where are the police? What are we supposed to do? Andy and Vera didn’t try to answer any of them but tried not to appear as if they were ignoring them. “We’re going to search the trail,” Andy said. No one volunteered to join them.

This time they walked, and going slow like that allowed Vera to see a couple of drops of black in the trampled snow. “This might be blood,” she said.

“Could be,” Andy said. “We don’t have anything else to follow.”

So they searched for drops. At the first fork they went left, the way Andy had gone. The trail through the woods became easier to see now that they knew what to look for. They walked up about two miles and found a sweater and a jacket, a blood-soaked jacket.

“I’m pretty sure that’s like the one Sparrow was wearing,” Vera said.

Now they were not only searching the trail but to either side of it. Vera was looking for anything with color and especially for movement. Another hundred yards and Andy grabbed her arm to stop her. Her elbow was still sore.

It looked like a mess of leaves in the snow, rags tied together, but it was matted hair. They approached slowly and their fears were realized. Other than her husband, Vera had never seen a dead person before, much less a severed head. She nearly vomited. Andy tried to turn her away, but she wouldn’t.

The face was turned down into the snow. Vera grabbed a long stick from the side of the path and reached toward the head. Andy took the stick from her and turned the head over. The face was contorted, twisted, confusion, perhaps fear, stamped onto it.

“That’s Sparrow,” Vera said. “Do we take it, her, back?”

They hadn’t come prepared to return with anything. No box, no bag.

“Go get her jacket,” Andy said.

Vera ran back and picked up the coat. Andy had gotten a few sticks under the head so he could move it. He was trying not to touch it with his hands.

Vera realized that her breathing was shallow and that she was feeling faint. She fell back, sitting on her butt in the snow.

“Vera?”

She tried to put her head between her legs.

“Are you okay?” Andy’s hand was on her back now. “Breathe.”

She did. She closed her eyes and tried to slow everything down. She thought of all her years with the horses and the dogs. There had been blood and dead things and danger. She breathed deeply.

“Take your time,” Andy said.

“I’m okay,” Vera said. “I just need another minute.”

Andy said nothing.

“I’m okay,” she repeated.

“I can’t believe this,” Andy said.

“I know,” Vera said. She sat straight. “Help me up.”

He did. Then he opened the coat and rolled the head onto it with the sticks. He closed the coat around Sparrow’s head, tied the arms, and used his belt to secure it.

“Let’s go,” he said.

They walked.

“Jerry didn’t do this,” Vera said.

“How do you know?”

“A human couldn’t do something like that.”

“You’d be surprised at what humans can do,” Andy said. “I was in a war. People can do anything an animal can do and better. Or worse. Do you know Jerry?”

“No. I met him. Do you think he did this?”

Andy didn’t answer. He was carrying the bundle by the belt, holding it away from his body. Vera could tell it was heavier with every step, but was not going to offer to help. Andy switched arms and Vera moved to his other side.

“This is fucking weird,” Andy said.

Vera found it difficult to speak. She hadn’t actually seen Tori Lockwood. She was shaking, and not from the cold.

“I hate this,” Andy said. “I made it back from a war to do this?”

A number of minutes later, Vera said, “You know, we can’t take that in there for everybody to see.”

“Yeah,” Andy said. “We’re going to have to go around. All the way around and come up past the staff quarters. We can put it in my cabin.”

They did go the long way around. Beverly was outside the rear of the cafeteria talking to the kitchen workers. They were quite obviously alarmed. Beverly saw Vera and Andy come through the trees. She changed her position so that the workers would be looking toward her and away from the forest.

Andy opened his door and they stepped into the cabin. He put the head down in the sink. He leaned there. “Christ.”

Beverly came into the cabin. “What is that?” she asked, looking at the sink.

“It’s Sparrow,” Vera said.

“It’s her head,” Andy said.

Beverly fell back against the wall, slid over to the sofa and sat. She dropped her face into her hands. If she was crying, Vera couldn’t hear it. Beverly looked up, blank faced. “What do you mean, her head?”

“As in the rest of her is someplace else,” Andy said.

Vera could hear anger in Andy’s voice. She understood it.

“Where is the help?” he asked Beverly. “Why don’t you have a fucking radio up here?”

“Nothing like this has ever happened,” Beverly said.

“Nothing like this has ever happened any-fucking-place,” Andy said.

“Somebody needs to go for help,” Beverly said.

“Opie has already gone,” Andy said. “He left a while ago.”

15

“We can’t show this to anybody,” Andy said. “They will freak out. I mean freak the fuck out. Hell, I’m freaked out.”

Beverly looked at Vera. “Are you all right?”

Vera nodded. “No.”

Beverly looked at the sink and then out the window. “Well, we have to get Harv over here.”

“It can’t be either one of us,” Andy said. “If Vera or I go over there it will be nothing but questions.”

“I’ll go over there,” Beverly said. “I’ll find a way to get him over here.”

“They’ve got Jerry tied up over there,” Vera said. “They think he might have killed Sparrow.”

“Do you believe that?”

Andy shrugged.

Vera sighed. “I think it’s an animal.”

“What kind of animal?” Beverly asked.

“I don’t know. I heard something this morning when I was down on the creek. If Opie hadn’t been there . . .”

“You’re lucky you weren’t hurt down there,” Beverly said.

“How is your elbow?” Andy asked.

“It’s okay,” Vera said.

Beverly stood and looked out the window at the kitchen staff. “I can’t believe this. What do I tell them? All they want to do is get back to their families. Do I tell them there’s a head in here? Not to venture outside, not to go to the bathroom alone?”

“How do you get weather reports up here?” Vera asked.

“We had a radio but it stopped working. Not a two-way, just a radio so we could hear the weather reports. Harv didn’t even want that thing up here. We call down to the ranger’s station for weather reports. They call us if something bad is coming.” Beverly looked embarrassed.

“What happens if you don’t call or they can’t reach you?” Vera asked.

“I don’t know. Sometimes we don’t have contact for days.”

Andy looked out the window. “Well, the weather’s not going to make them worry about us.”

Beverly turned and walked out, muttering to herself.

Vera looked at the sink. “I can’t stay in here with her there.”

Andy said nothing. He walked over to the stove and started to build a fire.

Vera hadn’t realized how cold it was inside the cabin. Out of the sun she shivered as she hadn’t on the trail.

“We can’t just leave her here,” Andy said.

“You think she’s going someplace?” Vera asked. She stared at the sink. “That’s a human head. There’s a human head in that sink.”

“Are you all right?”

“Are you kidding? That’s a head.” She pointed. “There’s a human head over there.” She began to shake.

“Vera.” Andy stood and walked to her. “Vera.” He embraced her. “I’m scared, too.”

“I can’t stay in here,” she said.

“Let’s go outside.” He took her by her sore elbow and led her out.

A couple of kitchen staff were still outside. They were smoking and staring over at them as if they knew something was going on.

Vera tried not to pace, but did anyway. She had always been a pacer. She looked at her watch. It was lunchtime. She wasn’t thinking about food, but if most of the retreat was in the cafeteria maybe she could get unnoticed into her cabin. She started walking.

“Where are you going?” Andy asked.

“To my cabin. I’m not going back in there. What did they do with Tori? Is she still strewn about that room like so much trash?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Harv was going to take care of it. Of her.”

Vera looked over to see that the staff had gone inside. She felt Andy right behind her and turned. He was so close.

“I don’t want you to go,” he said. He put his arms around her.

At first she thought he was trying to comfort her and then she thought he was the one who needed comforting. Then she was astonished to realize that he held her a beat too long and a bit too tightly.

“Are you kidding me?” she said.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She turned and walked on. Inside her brain, she was shaking her head. She was confused, perhaps angry. She was embarrassed to think, at a time like this, in the face of all that was going on, that she was actually flattered by that kind of attention. She hated herself for that.

She walked well wide of the cafeteria and past a couple of people she didn’t know at all, between cabins and into her own. She was more than a little relieved that Lisa was not there.

She imagined that Opie must have been halfway to the county road, maybe farther. That was if he hadn’t encountered a lion or bear or whatever she had heard and felt coming toward her in the gorge. Perhaps he was larger enough that the animal would have no interest. Predators never wanted a fight, just a meal.

16

Vera ventured out and to the back of the cabin and collected wood for the stove. She thought about showering, but was afraid that being naked would make her vulnerable. She took a steak knife from the kitchen, wrapped it in a dish cloth, and stuffed it in her pocket. She made some tea, remembered she hadn’t eaten, and put on some oatmeal.

She was startled by a knock at her door. It was Harv.

“Can I come in?”

Vera stepped aside to let him in.

“I’m really sorry about all this,” he said.

Vera looked to see if anyone was with him, closed the door. “It’s not really your fault, Harv.”

“Have you talked to anyone?” he asked.

“You mean like a live person?’

“Yeah.”

“No. They’re hard to find around here.” She wasn’t sure why or what he was asking. She was so angry.

Harv looked at her.

“What’s being done?” she asked.

“Opie left this morning. You know that, of course. But we haven’t heard anything from him. Frankly, I don’t expect him to be back until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. But we found the phone.”

Vera looked up.

“It was in pieces.”

Vera reconsidered her belief that the killer was an animal.

“It was in the trash bin behind the cafeteria.”

“When is the garbage collected?” she asked.

“Eight days from now. After everybody’s gone.” Harv listened to his own words. “Has gone home.” He looked at the fire behind the screen in the stove. “You can’t tell anybody what you saw.”

Vera agreed, but still asked, “Why?”

“Don’t want to scare everybody.”

“Don’t you think that ship has sailed?” She decided to back off. “I’m sorry. I’m taking this out on you.”

Harv nodded. “I’m scared, too. What do you think we should do?”

Vera sat on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “I have no idea.”

Harv sat beside her.

“Is it true what Andy told me about Tori?” she asked.

“What did he tell you?”

“He said that she was torn apart. Was she decapitated too?”

“Yes.”

Vera smelled something burning. “Shit,” she said and leaped up. It was her oatmeal. She had forgotten all about it. She took the saucepan off the heat and dropped it in the sink. As she did she recalled Sparrow’s head in another sink.

“Is Jerry still tied up over there?”

“Yes.”

“Can’t you just lock him in a room or something? I hate the idea of somebody tied up like that.”

“I agree,” Harv said. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“What did you do with Tori’s body?”

Somewhat shamefacedly, Harv said, “We left everything where it was. I’m sure that’s what the police would want.”

“I guess we should have left Sparrow out on the trail.”

“You couldn’t have done that,” he said. “I wonder if we should try to find the rest of her.”

They looked at each other, remarking without words about the absurdity of it all.

“I can tell you one thing,” Vera said, “I’m not going back into those woods. I don’t care if somebody did destroy the telephone, there’s something out there and it’s not a person. What person can tear someone apart?” Everything she was saying was rhetorical and Harv was smart enough to know that. “Can I help?” A ridiculous question.

“I’m going to go count heads,” Harv said.

Vera laughed.

“Sorry.”

“There are forty-five of us here, including the staff. I want there to be forty-five when Opie gets back with the police.”

“A couple of people out there looked in pretty bad shape,” Vera said. “I’m one of them.”

“You’ve been great,” he said. “We’ve done this for almost ten years and nothing has ever gone wrong. We had a woman break her leg climbing a tree one year while drunk, but nothing else.”

“Why the isolation? No phones. All that?”

“Well, we had a phone. First year there was a pay phone, but those are gone everywhere now. No cellular service anywhere on this mountain. No Internet and no phones is one of our draws. That bridge was updated three years ago. It was always creaky, noisy, but sound.”

Vera nodded.

Harv looked at his watch. “Everyone is supposed to meet in the cafe-
teria now.”

“Okay.”

Vera grabbed her coat and followed him out.

17

The big room was crowded and loud. The room stank of body odor and cologne. Vera hung back as Harv wended his way through to the microphone set up by the kitchen door. Everyone was immediately silent.

“Let me start by apologizing to all of you,” Harv said.

“You should be sorry,” a woman called out.

“And I am. I know as little as you all. I have to report that we believe that Sparrow Stephenson is missing.”

“Except for her fucking arm,” a man shouted.

“Okay, okay. We believe that she is dead and out there somewhere. So I don’t think I have to say it, but I’m going to say it anyway: please, no one go out into the woods.”

“Tori wasn’t in the woods.”

“And,” Harv said, “don’t be alone. Find a buddy or buddies and you all stay together all the time. Opie left this morning to hike down the mountain and he should be back with help tomorrow afternoon. Maybe earlier if they come back with a helicopter.”

“That’s not happening,” a man said. “We’re in the forest. Where would they land it?”

“Tomorrow afternoon then,” Harv said.

“Did Jerry do this?” a woman asked. “I don’t think he did.”

“He was carrying an arm,” another woman said.

“We don’t know,” Harv said. “He’s still pretty rattled. It’s hard to get anything out of him. Does anyone know if he takes medication?”

No one knew.

Harv looked over at Vera. Vera received his glance and understood that he was asking her to find out. She scanned the room and found Andy not far away from her. She made her way to him.

“Come on,” she said.

He followed her out.

“Vera, I’m sorry about earlier,” he said.

She waved him off the subject. “Which one is Jerry’s cabin?”

“Dishti eight. Next to Tori’s.”

“Really?”

Andy nodded.

“We’ve got to go look through Jerry’s stuff.”

“What are we looking for?”

“We need to find any medications he might need.”

Andy unlocked the door and Vera followed him inside. He switched on the bright overhead light. Vera walked to the bathroom. Andy opened a dresser drawer. In Jerry’s toilet kit Vera found a bottle of Enalapril. She knew it was a heart medication because her husband had taken it for a while, before he switched to something else. She put the vial in her coat pocket. She also found a container with Donepezil. She didn’t know what that was. She put that in her pocket also.

“Nothing else in here,” she said.

Andy had moved on to Jerry’s roller bag.

“Find anything?” she asked.

“Viagra and some magnum condoms,” he said. “Jerry.”

“Trying to kill himself,” she said. “Bad heart and Viagra sounds bad to me. Do you know what Donepezil is?”

Andy shook his head. “No idea.”

Vera looked at the music paper on the desk. “I guess he was really planning to work up here,” she said. She moved the papers around and turned over a magazine. It was a porn magazine and she pulled her hand quickly away. “What the hell,” she said.

“No Internet up here,” Andy said. “He had to go old school, I guess.”

“Let’s go.”

“Vera, I really want to apologize for earlier,” he said.

“Okay, you apologized.’

“It’s that I like you.”

“I’m flattered. Let’s go.”

Vera and Andy entered the main office through a side door. Harv and Beverly were sitting at different desks with their heads down. They sat up. Harv looked out the window at the front entrance and the parking yard.

“Jerry’s in the utility closet. He’s really out of it.”

“Well, he needs this,” Vera said. She fished the vials out of her pocket and held one out to Beverly. “It’s heart medication. Says take one daily and as needed.”

“Shit,” Beverly said.

“What’s that one?” Harv asked.

“Donepezil. I don’t know what it is.”

“It’s for Alzheimer’s,” Harv said. “My father takes it for confusion.”

“No wonder he’s not talking,” Andy said.

“Is he tied up?” Vera asked.

“No,” Harv said. “We cleared out the closet and put a mattress on the floor. He’s really out of it. I looked at his hands. I don’t see how he could have done any of this.”

“What about his hands?” Vera asked.

“His nails,” Harv said. “If he had done what we saw, there’s no ways his nails would be clean.”

“Maybe,” Andy said.

“We need to give him his meds,” Beverly said.

They walked down the hall to the door. Harv sifted through his keys and found the right one. He turned the key and waited, turned the knob and waited. He opened the door a crack, tensed, ready for something to happen. He opened the door all the way and they saw Jerry face down on the mattress.

“No,” Harv said.

Vera was the first to Jerry. She turned him over and recoiled at the sight of his open eyes. Andy knelt next to Jerry and pressed his fingers to his throat. He put his eye to his chest.

“No,” Harv repeated.

“Fuck,” Andy said. “He’s dead.”

“I can’t believe this,” Harv said, paced away and came back to look down at Jerry. “My God, three dead people.” He leaned against the doorjamb. “Okay, this one we can’t tell anyone about. If they find out there’s another dead person, I don’t know what these people will do. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Was it his lack of medication?” Andy asked.

“God, I hope so,” Harv said.

“Where do we put him?” Beverly asked. She was very businesslike. “They’re piling up. We can’t put them in the freezer with the food.”

“Put everything in Tori’s cabin,” Vera said.

The other three looked at her, surprised by her input.

She cleared her throat. “I mean, it’s got to be freezing in there. And you say it’s already a bloody mess.”

“She’s right,” Beverly said. “How do we get them in there?”

“When everyone is at the dinner meeting, I’ll put him in there,” Andy said.

“He must weight 200 pounds,” Harv said.

Andy looked down at the dead man. “Somebody would see me for sure. Especially going into that one. It’s right across from the cafeteria.”

“And it’s taped up,” Beverly said.

“Is there an empty cabin?”

“Pranayama one is empty and it’s on the edge of the campus,” Andy said. “The door even faces the woods.”

“That’s good,” Harv said.

“I’ll help you move him,” Vera said.

It felt strange to Vera that she was now in the middle of all of this. It had always been her way to stand off in the periphery. But she had never been passive and she wouldn’t be now.

18

The cafeteria at dinnertime seemed more harshly lit than normal. Maybe it was. With everyone in there at once, there really wasn’t much room. Luckily, with the lights on like that, there was little anyone inside could see outside. Vera and Andy stood over the dead and somewhat stiff body of Jerry. Vera thought to herself that now Jerry was a de-composer, and she wanted to cry for having thought it.

“How do we do this?” Vera asked.

“I guess I’ll take his shoulders. You take his feet.”

“I wish we had a wheelchair,” she said.

“Wouldn’t be able to push it through that slush out there.”

Vera got her hands under the dead man’s boots and tried to lift them. “Jesus.” She dropped them. “I’m not sure I can do this.”

Andy got his arms under Jerry’s shoulders and sat him up. “I think it will easier if I drag him anyway.”

“If we put him on a tarp we can both drag him,” Vera said.

“I know where one is,” Andy said. “I’ll be right back.”

Andy ran off and there was Vera, alone in a utility closet with a dead man. Jerry didn’t look alive at all and somehow that was a relief. She tried not to review the past days at that moment. She closed her eyes and listened. She could hear the din from the cafeteria. She heard the scratching of a mouse or rat in the ceiling. She had lived in the woods long enough that that sort of sound didn’t faze her. She could hear the distant hum of one of the generators that powered the compound. She thought she heard something in that sound and then that sound stopped and with it the lights. Vera heard screams from the cafeteria. She was frozen in the pitch dark. She wasn’t even sure of her orientation in the windowless room. Where was the door? Jerry was on the floor. She didn’t want to scream but she wanted to disappear. She backed up and leaned against the wall. Her breathing was shallow and she wondered if that was a good thing.

“Andy,” she called out, weakly.

There was another scream, from somewhere other than the cafeteria. There was a woman’s scream, a scream that broke off, ended as quickly as it had been issued. She couldn’t remember where she was in the building. There was no light anywhere. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she said. Then she called out for Andy, again. For anybody. She knew she had to get out of there. She put her hands on the wall and felt her way to the adjacent one. She took the long way around and tripped on the dead man, pulled herself past cluttered shelves until she found the doorframe. A sliver of wood found and worked its way deep into her palm. She winced and cried out, but she could not see to remove it. Removing it didn’t occur to her. She needed to find her way outside. She walked through the blackness toward what she believed to be the main office. Then she heard the breathing, a breathing from deep in a chest. Fuck fuck fuck. She plastered herself against the wall and did not move a muscle. The screaming from the cafeteria settled down. Perhaps they had found candles. Some of them no doubt had flashlights. Light was such a calming thing, she thought. Steps. There were footsteps in the darkness near her. And then, like in her dream, she felt the cat, near her, moving through her. She felt something akin to an orgasm and it made her angry. At the far end of the hallway she saw a light. She became suddenly afraid to call out. The light hit her and she let out a short scream.

“Vera?” It was Andy.

“Andy.” She was so relieved. Just having the light land near her helped her breathe.

“Vera.” He was next to her, holding her. “Are you all right?”

“It was here,” she said.

“What was here?”

“That cat. I don’t know. What happened to the lights?”

“I need to go check the generator,” he said.

“I’m going with you.”

“Of course.”

Andy lit their path down the hall away from the main office and out a side door. There was scant moonlight so there was only dark and darker outside. At the generator station behind the cafeteria, Andy pulled up a small plastic cover and aimed the beam at the control panel. He flipped a switch, held his finger on a button, there was a thump, and the motor began to rattle, then hum.

“That was it?” Vera said.

“Yeah. It was just turned off,” he said.

The lights of the compound flickered and then stayed on. Andy turned off his flashlight.

“You mean someone turned it off?”

“I mean, that can happen, but usually I have to pull the switch to off and then back on. It was already on off.”

A man’s scream split the night. Vera ran behind Andy around the cafeteria toward the front. Some people were pushing and clawing their way back into the cafeteria. Some were crying and being held by others. A few, Harv and Beverly among them, could not look away. Vera came to a halt in the muddy snow and saw the headless body of a woman in the middle of the parking yard. The woman’s clothes were drenched in blood, so there was no describing them. Vera looked away. She looked at her Bronco. How she wanted to just get in it and take off.

“Who is it?” Andy asked.

No one spoke. No one knew.

Harv ordered everyone back into the cafeteria. He walked over to Andy and Vera and just looked at them.

“We didn’t get to move Jerry,” Andy said.

“That’s doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“I guess not,” Andy said.

Harv looked through the windows of the cafeteria. “Looks like I need to call roll and see who’s not here.”

Inside, people were rightfully terrified and agitated, less rightfully angry, Vera thought. She didn’t envy Harv. She thought he was handling the situation remarkably well. He stood behind the mic.

“Is Jerry still tied up?” someone asked.

“No,” Harv said.

“What?”

“I’m sorry to say that Jerry is in the clear.”

“What’s that mean?” Tad Gibson asked.

“Jerry is dead,” Harv told them

That was repeated through the crowd. Jerry was dead.

“Yes, Jerry died.” Harv waited for them to settle down a bit. “We think he died because he didn’t have his medication.”

“But you don’t know,” someone said.

“No, we don’t know.”

“This is bullshit,” a man said.

Beverly handed Harv a couple of sheets of paper. “Please respond when you hear your name. Please listen up.”

The room fell quiet.

“Laura Ackerman.”

“Here.”

“Fiona Archer.

“Here.”

He went through the names. Ray Baker. Melissa Begay. Rachel Clark. Here. Here. Here. “Lisa Hardy. Lisa Hardy?”

Everyone looked around.

“Lisa Hardy.” Harv looked at the page. “Rich Iverson.”

“Here.”

“Lisa Hardy,” Harv repeated.

Vera searched the room. The names rolled by. She looked for Lisa. Could it have been Lisa? She studied every face again.

“Vera Tatum,” Harv said.

Vera was sifting through the faces in the large room. Andy nudged her. “Here,” she said.

“Tad Gibson.”

“Here.”

Harv folded the paper and looked at everyone. “Lisa Hardy? Is Lisa here?”

Vera felt her eyes well up. She had tried so hard to keep Lisa at arm’s length. She felt guilty and sad and, now, angry like the others.

“We’ve got to get her out of the yard,” Vera said. They had all rushed inside and left her friend sprawled in the mud.

“I’ll do it,” Andy said.

“We’ll do it.”

Vera didn’t understand. Lisa would never have walked outside alone. She was certainly in the cafeteria with everyone. She would have been nowhere else. So how did this beast cull her from the herd? And now more than ever Vera believed it was an animal. A lion, perhaps, a big cougar. A bear, but not a black bear, a rogue grizzly from far away. A rogue grizzly that knew how to turn doorknobs and switch off generators.

19

Knowing that the body was Lisa’s made the gruesome task even more so, if that was possible. She helped Andy lay flat the tarp, but she stepped back and let him roll the headless woman onto it. Then they rolled it up like a carpet, secured it with twine, and carried her to Pranayama one at the edge of the compound. A headless Lisa was much lighter than a complete Jerry so they managed easily enough.

“Why isn’t this cabin used?” Vera asked as they put the body on the kitchen floor.

“Stove doesn’t work,” Andy said.

Vera nodded, pulling her coat tight against her chest as she looked down at Lisa all wrapped up.

“Everyone is spending the night in the cafeteria,” Andy said. “I think it’s a very good idea.”

“Me too.”

“Lisa was your friend, wasn’t she?”

“She talked me into coming here.”

“I’m sorry,” Andy said.

“It’s all so crazy.”

“Did she have family?”

“A daughter. Your age.”

“We should go. I still have to move Jerry.”

“I’ll help you,” Vera said

“We tried that. Harv will help me.”

“I really wish I could have some time alone,” Vera said.

“Not a good idea.”

“I hate the idea of sleeping on that floor with all of those people around.”

“I’ll go to your cabin with you to get what you need.”

“Can’t I just lock my door and stay in my cabin?”

“I don’t think Harv will allow that. Listen, Vera, I don’t think I can allow that. There’s something bad going on here.”

“Do you think Harv is qualified to be making decisions for all of us? I mean, he’s just a camp director.”

“I don’t know,” Andy said. “I don’t want to make them. I don’t think anybody else does either.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

She followed the man out of the cabin and back toward the center of the campus, across the yard, and to the door of her cabin. Andy entered behind her and stood by the door.

“I don’t even know what to take,” Vera said.

Andy cleared his throat. “You know it’s possible that Harv would let you stay here if someone was with you.”

Vera looked at him from the kitchen.

“Who did you have in mind?”

Andy smiled. “No funny business. I just think that I’m not going to be comfortable in that cafeteria with them.”

“No funny business?” she said.

“Too tired. Even if you were feeling funny.”

Vera was made nervous by the idea, but she really didn’t want to go into that bright space with all of those people. And Andy, she thought, could protect her perhaps. She wouldn’t be asleep anyway: she was remarkably exhausted but also, understandably, wired, tense, terrified. Intellectually, she recognized that she needed rest, sleep. It was necessary to be sharp and alert.

“Do you think we should sleep in shifts?” she asked.

“That sounds right,” Andy said. “Four hours?”

“Okay,” she said.

“You first,” Andy said. “I’ll get wood.” He turned and walked out.

As soon as he closed the door and she was alone, Vera was more terrified than ever. Her stomach felt like ice and she tensed up so tightly that her back began to spasm. She wondered if she should lock the door. She hated that she felt she needed a man to protect her but found some consolation in thinking that he, too, wanted someone with him for safety. She looked at the spot where Lisa had chosen to make her bed. She would sleep in her clothes, she resolved.

The doorknob turned—Vera jumped. Andy walked in with far more wood than she could have carried. He dumped it onto the other logs by the stove. Then he went back and locked the door.

“I’ll get this going while you get ready for bed,” he said.

“I’m already ready,” Vera said.

He looked at her. “Of course,” he said. “Once I get this fire going, at least you won’t have to sleep in your coat.”

Vera walked into the bathroom and closed the door. She peed, then stood at the mirror, stared at her face for a while. She told herself that she would survive this. She brushed her teeth and returned to the room. The fire was roaring already. The mere sight of it made her feel warmer. Maybe even a little safer.

Andy stepped into the bathroom and Vera realized, standing in the studio alone, just how vulnerable she was. She tried to hold her hands still but she couldn’t. She could feel herself on the verge of crying but she wouldn’t. She did not like the fact that this man was sleeping in her space, but even though he was only as far away as the next room, she felt alone and unsafe. She sat on the edge of her bed and removed her boots, the only thing she would be removing. The edge of chill was gone from the room. She went to the fire, poked it to kick up the flames, and added another small log.

Andy came out of the washroom. He had removed his jacket and shirt but he still wore his undershirt. He seemed unusually muscular to Vera. She looked away and felt weird for doing so. The man was not near to being undressed. She was saying more about herself than she was about him.

“Well, I’ll be sitting on the sofa over here,” he said.

“Four hours,” she said.

He nodded. “I’m thinking it’s going to take you three to fall asleep.”

“Probably,” she said.

He sat and peered out the window.

His prediction was incorrect. Vera lay back and when her head sank into the pillow, so did she into sleep.

20

The sleep was much needed and felt sweet. How far into her sleep she began to dream she did not know, but the dream was the kind wherein she knew that she was dreaming. In it Lisa was still alive, moving, cheerful, making tea in that very cabin. She was whistling a tune that Vera recognized but could not place.

“You just go rest and I’ll make lunch,” Lisa said.

Vera said okay and lay on the bed facing the ceiling. “This is a beautiful place,” Vera said. She closed her eyes and listened to Lisa’s kitchen noises. A pan landed roughly in the sink and then there was no noise. But in the dream Vera did not open her eyes. Perhaps even in her dream she fell asleep a second time and dreamed again of that tickle, just shy of clawing at her ankle. The sensation moved up her leg to her thigh, bare in the dream, traced a triangle around her vagina, once, twice. It was something close to pleasure. She raised her hips to meet the pressure of the claw. She thought she heard herself moan softly, but perhaps it was not her own voice. It was low, hollow, not loud but suggesting that it could be. Then the feeling of that cat moved through her, from the soles of her feet through her middle, steady and hot. She felt penetration and then Vera climbed out of one sleep into the next. She moved with the body on top of her, while inside her brain she was trying to rise to the surface of something. She was sweaty and panting. She had the covers pulled tight around her still-clothed body. She looked over to see Andy asleep on the sofa.

“Andy!”

He awoke with a start.

“You were asleep,” she said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Someone, something, was in here,” she said.

He jumped up. He checked the door. “Still bolted,” he said.

She swung her feet around to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay, I know you’re exhausted. You come sleep now. I’m awake.”

“I can’t take your bed,” Andy said.

“If I stay in it, I might fall asleep.” Vera stood. She watched Andy put another log in the stove. “I’ll have some tea.” She walked to the sink and began filling the kettle.

“Okay.” Andy walked to the bed and lay down. He turned on his side and faced away from her. “I’m sorry.”

“No worries,” she said.

She took her mug of tea and sat on the sofa. She looked out and fixed immediately on the spot where Lisa had lain. She turned around and faced the fire. She could still feel a slight tickle on her thigh and she shivered. She liked the window and the night behind her, so she got up and sat on the floor in front of the stove.

“Vera?”

Vera sat up and let out a short scream.

Andy jumped back. “It’s morning,” he said.

Vera looked and saw it was fully light outside.

“You were sleeping so deeply,” Andy said. “It’s time to go to the cafeteria. They’re going to miss us and panic.”

“Some guard I am,” she said.

“You and me both.”

“So did we get killed in the night?” she asked.

“I think we’re okay,” he said.

“I’m going to wash my face.”

21

Some people were still sleeping in the cafeteria. Others were up and taking bagels and muffins from the table near the kitchen door. No one really noticed Andy and Vera entering together and they certainly didn’t care. They apparently hadn’t even noticed that they were absent through the night. There was a long queue at the unisex restroom. Harv and Beverly were standing at the window staring at the lane.

“Hey,” Andy said.

Harv nodded hello.

“Sorry, we slept in Vera’s cabin,” he said.

“I wasn’t worried about you,” Harv said.

“I hope Opie is back soon,” Beverly said, stiffly. “I don’t think anyone can take more of this.”

“It’s even colder,” Vera said.

Harv looked at the sky. “I think we’re going to get more snow. That’s the last thing we need.”

“Shit,” Beverly said.

There was commotion from the far wall. “Winnie?” a woman called. “Winnie?”

Someone called into the restroom, “Winnie? Is Winnie in there?”

“She’s not in the restroom.”

“Has anyone seen Winnie Murdock?”

Harv stepped to the mic, switched it on. “Winnie Murdock?” he called. “Has anyone seen Winnie Murdock?”

“Oh my God,” someone said.

“What do we do?” Harv asked Andy.

“I guess I’ll go look for her. Maybe she went to her cabin for something.”

Harv turned to the mic. “Andy’s going to go check her cabin. Please, everyone, remain calm.”

“Should he go by himself?” Vera asked.

“I’ll be okay,” Andy said. He smiled at Vera. ‘Thanks.” He walked out through the kitchen.

Three women came to the front. Melissa Begay led them. “We’re going out to look for Winnie. We feel safe together.”

Harv said, “I won’t try to stop you.” In fact he stepped back to the mic. “Everyone, if you want to form a group of three or more you can assist in the search for Winnie. Just let Beverly know who’s together and check in with us when you return.” He looked at Beverly. She nodded.

Vera turned to Melissa. “May I join you?”

Melissa said yes.

Vera walked with them out into the yard. Along with Melissa were Fiona Archer and Paula Stone. Melissa looked around the campus. “I have no idea where to start.”

“The cabins?” Fiona asked.

“Keys,” Vera said. “We don’t have keys. We could walk up the trail.”

The suggestion clearly terrified all of them, Vera included.

“There are four of us,” Vera reminded them.

“Let’s go,” Vera said.

They walked out to the trail that Vera knew as snow began to fall. Vera looked at the sky. She had lived in New Mexico for a while, on a mountain not so different from this one, and she didn’t like the look of things. There was no edge to the weather. It was a hard cold. The wind was stiff but not crazy. This would be a significant storm. Away from the traffic of people there was more of the last snowfall left. Vera looked at the boots they all wore. Hers would keep her feet reasonably dry, same for Fiona and Paula, but Melissa’s were barely better than moccasins.

“We can’t go far,” Vera said. “Your feet are going to freeze.”

Melissa looked down. She didn’t disagree. “We walk on a short way and I’ll be okay,” she said.

They hiked on, took the first left fork. About a hundred yards up the steep trail, Vera was about to tell them they had to turn back. She could see that Melissa was stepping gingerly. But then Fiona stopped.

“What’s that?”

Vera walked toward a mound of snow that was just off the path. It was a person. The body was covered with snow but it was clearly lacerated, torn up, ripped up. One might have thought the left arm was folded under the body, which was chest up, except that there was clearly a hole there. The arm was not there. The head was not there.

“I think it’s Sparrow,” Vera said. She was looking at the concho belt at the waist of the long skirt. “What was Winnie wearing?”

“Pants,” Fiona said. “Jeans.”

Vera observed Melissa shifting her weight from foot to foot. “Come on, let’s head back.”

The snow was falling much harder now. It was becoming difficult to see the trail at all. Vera picked up the pace, but when she looked back she saw that Melissa Begay was having trouble.

“I’m sorry,” Melissa said. “My feet.”

“It’s not far,” Vera said. “We’ve got to keep moving.”

Vera felt it before any of them heard it. Through snow, as if on the wind, came a long low growl.

“What the fuck was that?” Fiona asked.

“Keep moving,” Vera said. She went to Melissa and let the woman lean on her. “Come on, come on. One step at a time.”

The sound found them again. Vera could almost feel the growl vibrating in her own chest. It was so hard to see anything. It had become a blizzard so quickly, a whiteout. The snow burned her face. It was falling so hard now that it was difficult to keep up with Fiona and Paula. “Everybody stay close,” she said. “Fiona?”

“I’m right here,” Fiona said.

“Put your hand on my back,” Vera said. “Paula?”

“Paula,” Melissa called out.

Fiona called her too.

“What the hell!” Vera shouted. “Paula! Paula!”

They stopped and called out, the three of them.

“Goddamnit!” Vera tried to see through the snow.

“Paula!” Melissa shouted again. “Where the fuck are you?”

“We can’t see,” Vera said. “Paula, follow us if you can!” She pushed them on.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” Melissa kept saying.

“Please follow us, Paula!” Vera shouted.

Vera could barely see the fork. She led them right. She shuffled her feet, trying to mess up the snow enough that Paula could follow. “This way, Paula,” she screamed, but she knew that Paula wasn’t with them. “Keep your hand on me, Fiona.”

“I’m right here.”

“You okay, Melissa?”

“My feet are numb.”

“Keep moving.” Vera couldn’t believe this. Four of them together. A blizzard. Was Paula behind them? She knew that she wasn’t. Maybe she had wandered ahead of them. Vera didn’t believe that.

Melissa was really hobbling when they were back near the buildings. “Help!” Vera called. Her own feet were becoming numb so she could only imagine what Melissa was feeling.

Fiona called out for help too.

No one could hear them. They made it to the cafeteria, fell into the big room. Harv, Beverly, and Tad Gibson ran to them.

“Melissa’s feet,” Vera said.

Harv looked down at the soaked boots. “Jesus,” he said. “Get those shoes off her and get her by the baseboards.”

Tad Gibson picked up Melissa and carried her to the electric heater.

They got Melissa’s socks off. The wet socks clung as they released her toes. The woman was crying, near ready to pass out.

Vera turned to start back out into the snow.

“Where are you going?” Harv asked.

“We lost Paula out there. We heard something and we couldn’t see and then we couldn’t find her. We lost her.” Vera was shaken.

“You’re not going back out there,” Harv said.

“The snow came on so fast,” she said.

“I know, I know.” Harv steered her away from the door. “Get your boots off and get near the heat.” He turned to Beverly. “Turn it up.”

“Paula is out there,” Vera said.

Harv ignored her. “We need to call roll again,” he said.

22

Harv did not call Paula’s name as he read the roll. Nor did he call Winnie’s. Vera saw Andy appear through the kitchen doors as Harv started the S’s. He spotted Vera and made his way straight to her. Vera broke down, cried.

“What is it?” He looked at her bare feet. “Are you frostbitten?”

“We lost Paula,” she cried. “We lost her out there in the snow. I heard it, Andy. I heard some animal. You heard it, didn’t you, Melissa?”

“I heard it,” she said.

Vera looked at Melissa’s feet. Some color was coming back, but the two smallest toes on her left foot looked alarmingly dark.

“Get a pan of warm water,” Andy called out. “Pull your feet away from the baseboard,” he said to Melissa. “Still numb?” he asked.

“Yes,” Melissa said.

Andy put his hand near the heater. Tad Gibson walked carefully with a pan of water. Andy set Melissa’s feet into the water. “If you can’t feel the heat you might burn yourself,” he said.

Vera pulled her feet away from the heat.

“Are your feet numb?” he asked her.

“No.”

“Okay. You’re okay.”

“Andy, Paula is out there in that blizzard.” With a quieter voice, she said, “With that thing.”

“I’ll find her,” he said.

“No,” she said. “You can’t go out there by yourself.”

“Nothing wants to eat something as smelly as I am right now,” he said. He walked over, had a few words with Harv, and then left again via the kitchen.

Vera reached over and put her hand on Melissa’s shoulder. “Does that feel better? Can you feel your toes?”

“A little,” she said.

Vera got up and walked barefoot across the room to where Harv and Beverly stood before the windows.

“No Opie?” Vera asked.

“Not yet,” Beverly said. “This storm has changed everything. I can only guess what the road is like. And no bridge? How the hell can they get up here?” She yawned. She was exhausted.

Vera looked out into the yard. The snow was crazy.

Vera played the names in her head. Tori. Sparrow. Lisa. Winnie. Paula. And Jerry, under different circumstances, but still.

The snow had slowed significantly. Vera could now see across the parking yard. The yellow tape with black-written Caution on it stood out on Dishti nine. Some participants had manned the kitchen and allowed the staff to be served for a while. Vera liked that. She didn’t help with the cooking but she did pour coffee and bus the tables. It was three in the afternoon and there was still no sign of Opie and help. Andy had been gone for several hours. A couple of people had checked on Melissa and there seemed to be general agreement that she would not lose any toes. Some good news, anyway.

Vera sat beside a kitchen worker. “I’m Vera,” she said.

“Paola,” the woman said. “Scary.”

Vera nodded.

“Where do you live?” Vera asked.

“Questa,” the woman told her.

“That’s not so close.”

Paola shook her head. “A good job. I do this every summer.”

Vera looked at Paola. She might have been thirty or fifty, she thought.

“A bunch of us come. Mr. Harv sends a van for us.”

“Does he pay well?” Vera asked.

Paola nodded. “Pretty well. The hard part is being away from my kids.”

Vera nodded.

“Also the good part,” Paola laughed.

Then they were silent for a while.

“It’s scary about the dead people,” Paola said. “I have been praying nonstop for them.”

“I want to get out of here,” Vera said.

“Me too,” Paola said. “But I have been praying for the dead people. They are the ones that need help.”

Vera nodded. “I guess you’re right. Aren’t you scared for yourself?”

Paola lifted her apron and showed Vera a shiny cleaver. “I wish somebody would come for me.” Paola nodded as she said it.

“I’ll stay near you,” Vera said.

“You stay near me.”

At five it was dark and though the snow had let up, there was no help. Andy finally came back, this time through the front door. Vera ran to him, surprising herself by her relief to see him, a strange feeling given that she was eager to find out what he knew about Paula.

“Anything?” she asked.

Andy shook his head.

Vera didn’t know whether he was shaking his head to say that he had found no sign or that Paula was dead. Before she could ask for clarification, Harv was there.

“Andy?”

“I couldn’t find her,” he said. “Or Winnie.” He paused, seemed to want to speak, but didn’t.

“What?” Harv asked.

“There was some blood on the trail, way up. It was fresh. But it could easily have been an animal’s blood.”

“You don’t think it was,” Vera said.

Andy said nothing.

“Get by the heat and get warm,” Beverly said.

Andy sat by the blowing baseboard, his elbows on his knees, his head hung.

“I’ll get you some coffee,” Vera said. As she poured the last of a pot into a mug, she looked outside and couldn’t believe they would be spending another night there. She wondered where she would be sleeping.

23

Vera looked at the mug of coffee that had gone cold sitting in Andy’s hands. She took it from him. “I’ll take that,” she said. “Do you want something to eat?”

“No, thanks.”

Vera sat there, silent. She looked at her watch. It was 6:30. Some people were actually looking to bed down for the night. Vera got it: get to sleep so tomorrow would come, so that the world would be light again and at least appear safe.

Andy reached over and put his hand on the backs of hers. They were warm now. Very warm. She turned her hand over and pressed her thumb onto his knuckle.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find her,” he said.

“Thank you for trying.”

Andy looked down at her bare feet. “Want to find your shoes so we can go back to your cabin?”

“Yes.”

This time they were noticed as they left. Rumors were afoot, Vera thought, but she didn’t care. She wondered why she would ever have cared what anyone else thought. The fragility of life had become all too clear to her, painfully clear. She hated the thought that she had to leave the stares and enter a night that frightened her. She stayed close to Andy as they crossed the yard. He stood, his back to her, watching out as she unlocked the door. Inside, he set to building a fire while she went directly to starting tea. It felt so routine.

“You must be exhausted,” Vera said.

“I’m really sorry about your friend.”

“I didn’t know Paula,” she said. “Not that that makes a difference. But I feel responsible. She was with us out there and we lost her.”

“You didn’t lose her. She got lost.”

“I hope your brother is okay.”

Andy paused, then struck the match. He set it to the kindling and watched the flames grow. “Yeah, me too.”

“This is the worst thing I have ever lived through,” Vera said.

“I promise I’ll do a better job of standing guard tonight.”

“We’re here, aren’t we? Anyway, I doubt I’ll sleep at all.”

Andy looked at her, watched her put the kettle on the electric burner. “You’ll sleep. You’re tired. You have to be. Plus, this is no time to be sleep deprived. Sleep is necessary to stay alert. I learned that in the service.”

“Stupid us,” she said. “We left without eating.”

“My jacket pocket,” Andy said.

Vera walked to his jacket and found two muffins wrapped in napkins.

“Blueberry and bran, I believe,” he said.

“My hero.”

“The great white hunter.” He put a small log into the stove. “Except, it seems, I couldn’t find an ant at a picnic.”

“Well, we’ll have a picnic right now,” she said. She held up the muffins and grabbed two plates from the cupboard. Soon the tea was poured and they were sitting at the table. “Bran or blueberry?”

“You choose,” he said.

“I’ll take the bran. That’s what old people eat.”

“Don’t say that,” Andy said. “You’re not old.”

“Okay,” she said.

He looked down at his shirt. “Sorry, I should have showered before our meal.”

Vera smiled. “After,” she said.

They ate in silence for a while.

“How long did you know Lisa?” Andy asked.

Vera was surprised by the question, surprised that he would bring up the current situation at all. “Maybe ten years. She was a friend of my husband.”

Andy looked up.

“He died six years ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

Vera took a bite of muffin. “Are we going to get off this mountain?” she asked.

“Yes.”

Andy showered first. Vera sat on the sofa, tense and feeling very alone. She checked the lock a couple of times. She was nursing a third cup of tea when he came out. He was buttoning his shirt but she could see his muscular chest.

“It feels strange putting dirty clothes on after a shower,” he said.

“Think of cowboys bathing in a creek,” she said.

“Right.”

“Anyway, my turn.”

“I fogged it up pretty good in there.”

Vera slid by him and stepped into the bathroom. She closed the door and looked at the fogged-up mirror. She could just barely see herself. Fitting, she thought. She remembered that she had clean clothes in the other room. When she opened the door she saw that Andy’s back was to her, his shirt off. He stretched out his arms. He looked like a body builder, so much larger than he seemed in his clothes, especially where his neck moved into his back.

“Excuse me,” she said.

He turned, perhaps with a start, but his movement was smooth, athletic.

“Just grabbing my clothes.”

He pulled on his shirt.

Vera took her clothes from the dresser and returned to the bathroom. She undressed and piled her dirty clothes beside the sink. She stood naked and brushed her teeth. It felt like days since she had last cleaned them. She turned on the shower and then sat on the toilet, wondering if she had turned on the water first to mask the sound of her urination. She laughed at herself. She needed to laugh at something.

She stepped into the shower and let the water beat her muscles, which were sore from tension. The water felt good on her head and on her face. It felt good everywhere. She closed her eyes and let the water transport her.

She heard something. Was it from the other room? Then she thought she felt the curtain move. As if from a draft. As if from the brush of a hand. She held her breath and listened. She switched off the water. Stood still. Then she whipped back the curtain to reveal an empty room.

She dressed as quickly as she could, dried her hair with a towel, leaving it wetter than she would have liked. She stepped into the studio to find Andy asleep on the bed. He was lying on his side on top of the covers, facing away from her, fully dressed, even his socks. She was slightly alarmed that he hadn’t been watching out, but she understood that he was exhausted. He rolled over to his other side.

Vera poked at the fire and decided it did not need another log. It was almost too warm in the room. She sat on the sofa and felt afraid of being so close to the door, so she walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. Her back was to Andy as she faced the door. She listened. She watched.

She was so tired. She lay down with her back against Andy’s. It had been so long since she had shared a bed with a man. She could feel his breathing, hear it, a slight rattle in his chest. The vibration of it spread through her. Without meaning to, without wanting to, Vera fell asleep.

24

The breath on her neck was warm, almost hot. She could smell it, slightly sour, rich, strange. She knew she was in a deep sleep. She was floating, resting on eiderdown maybe, wrapped up, swaddled, but feeling no restraint. Cool air landed on her toes, only her toes, and the feeling was sweet. A gentle pressure found her lips and a tongue found hers. She pushed against it but didn’t fight it. She was kissing like she hadn’t kissed since the early days of her marriage, before lust was replaced by trust. She was wet. She was surprised, weirdly thrilled. There was soft hair on the face that was kissing her, that she was kissing. The tongue was gentle but slightly scratchy, in a way that made her seek it. The scratching tongue lightly dragged down her naked chest. How had she become naked? To her breasts, where it lighted on her nipple. A charge ran through her body. She bit her lip and tasted her blood. The kissing mouth returned and tasted her blood also. A hand, so large, so strong, so warm, settled between her legs, barely touching her at first, but slowly pressing down, pressing down. She raised her hips up to meet the pressure. She felt a stirring inside, a warmth that spread through her middle and out her limbs. And her legs began to tremble in a way she couldn’t control. She felt her breath, her voice moving from her diaphragm toward her mouth, toward open space, open world.

Vera opened her eyes. She was suddenly terrified. She glanced down her body and was relieved to find that she was still dressed. She was doubly relieved to find that Andy was still sleeping beside her, that the rhythm of his breathing was unchanged, that he was still dressed, that there was no one and nothing else in the room with them. She looked at the door, could see that it was still bolted. She felt spent. Her legs trembled slightly. She reached down into her jeans to see if she was wet. She was. She was warm. She was confused.

She looked again at sleeping Andy. It had been a dream, but what a dream. She sat fully up and kicked herself for falling asleep at all. She was supposed to be alert, guarding them.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump. She let out a short scream.

“I’m sorry,” Andy said.

“You scared me,” she said.

“I didn’t mean to.”

“I know.”

“I guess I just conked out,” he said.

“No wonder.”

He looked at her eyes. “Vera?”

She looked back. “Yes?”

He leaned forward and lightly kissed her lips. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.” He leaned in again and she did not pull away. The kiss was soft, slow. She had to stop to catch her breath.

“I don’t know what to think,” she said.

“Then don’t think,” he said.

Vera undid the first button on his shirt.

Andy pulled her onto the bed and kissed her deeply. Vera softened to him, kissed him back. He smelled familiar, safe. She became lost in what they were doing, even as she wondered what they were doing. What a bad time, what a difficult situation—but wasn’t that what she had always heard, read, that crises were fuel for passion. But she was thinking again. She put her hands on his bare chest. No thinking. No thinking. He was so strong, so young. He certainly wasn’t thinking. She grabbed his face and kissed him fully. He buried his face in her neck and she pulled his hair. She had the fleeting thought that they should be watching the door, but it was gone as fast as it had come. His hand was between her legs. Her hand was between his. The smell of him. So familiar.

Naked, she lay beneath him, staring at the ceiling that had gone unnoticed. His weight felt perfect, she thought. He was inside her, not just down there, but everywhere. His breathing was steady in its rhythm, matching the strokes that pushed her somewhere else, to another place. Then it was like a dream, like the dream, and the cat was moving through her. Her legs began to tremble and she grew afraid. She wanted to slow down, to stop, but she was being pushed. Into sleep? Where am I going? She thought. And then she was gone. Gone.

Vera woke naked in her bed. She jumped, grabbed the blanket, and wrapped herself. It was light out. What had happened? Andy was not there. Where was he? Had it been Andy on top of her? Was it a dream? But she was naked, completely naked. She touched herself, thinking that perhaps she could tell. She wasn’t sore, but she knew, she knew. So many years without, she should have been sore. Of course it had happened. She had wanted it to happen. She had started out present and then, and then . . .

The door swung open and Andy burst in. He carried a tray with bagels and coffee. “Hey, sleepyhead,” he said.

“You left me?” she said.

“I could see the door the whole time from the cafeteria.”

“You left me?”

“I knew you’d be hungry. I tell you, I was watching.”

Vera grabbed her clothes from the bed and floor and ran into the bathroom.

25

Fuck fuck fuck. Vera looked at the mirror. “What was I thinking?” she asked her reflection. Fuck fuck fuck. Of all things. She sat on the toilet and held her head in her hands. She was overreacting, she told herself. It was not a big deal. It was just sex. Why not? She enjoyed sex. Maybe she had enjoyed the sex last night, but she couldn’t remember it. Had she been drugged? Something in the muffin? No, everything was clear. Clear until she couldn’t remember. She stepped into the shower and washed. What a cliché, to stand under a shower now. She laughed at herself but found nothing funny. She dried, dressed, and stepped out into the room.

“Are you all right?” Andy asked. His concern seemed so genuine, so remarkably kind, so polite.

“Yes,” Vera said. She was trying not to have her head down, but it was.

“Last night was beautiful,” he said.

“Was it?” She looked at his face and she actually did trust him. “I’m sorry, Andy. It’s been a very long time for me.”

“I should have taken things slower,” he said. “I pushed you.”

She recalled the first kiss, how she had wanted it. “No, no, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just new at this, new again at this. Trying to reacquaint myself with things, you know?”

“I know.”

To his credit, she thought, he didn’t move in for a hug or kiss. That made her trust him more, again.

“What’s that?” Andy said. He stood motionless, listening, cocking his head like a dog, looking at the ceiling.

Vera listened also. There was a faint sound, she thought. Andy ran outside. He stood in the center of the yard, only feet from where Lisa’s body had been found. Now others came out of the cafeteria, perhaps because they saw Andy looking at the sky, perhaps because they heard something too. Then the sound was more evident. It was a helicopter. It came out of the low clouds and hovered above them. It was a Forest Service helicopter. A man leaned out and dropped something that fell crazily until its small parachute caught the air. It caught in a nearby fir tree but managed to fall on through the branches to the ground. Harv ran to it. It was a walkie-talkie.

“Andy!” Harv called.

Andy ran over and took the brick-sized unit. He looked at it, switched it on, and spoke into it. Because of the helicopter Vera could not hear what was being said. Harv and Andy pushed their faces together to hear. Harv spoke into it. Andy gave a thumbs-up to the pilot and the machine flew away.

Everyone ran to Andy and Harv. Harv faced them. “They said the crew is having trouble getting equipment up here to fix the bridge. I told them we have injured and dead and that we need the police.”

“When can we leave?” Melissa Begay asked.

“Another storm is coming,” Harv said.

Everyone became upset.

“He said it won’t be huge, but they can’t fly in it.”

A woman started crying.

“We have to get off this fucking mountain,” Tad Gibson said, near tears.

“I’m sorry,” Harv said. “I guess we just huddle together for another day.” He looked at the kitchen staff. “I’m so sorry.”

“When is this storm supposed to start?” someone asked.

“This afternoon, I guess.”

“What about Opie?” Vera asked. “Did they say if Opie’s all right?”

“He didn’t say,” Harv said. “I didn’t ask.”

Andy spoke into the radio. “This is Kachina camp calling the Forest Service chopper, come in. This is Kachina calling anyone.”

A scratchy response came through. “We read you, Kachina. Over.”

“We really need the sheriff. Emergency. Over.”

“Understood. Will relay.” Then there was nothing.

Andy looked at the device in his hand. “This thing must be fifty years old.”

“Your tax dollars at work,” a man said.

“More snow,” Melissa cried out. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Let’s go in so I can call roll,” Harv said. He was so obviously exhausted. He looked to be on the verge of a breakdown. Beverly rubbed his back as they walked back into the cafeteria.

Vera felt bad for how things had gone with Andy that morning and for how he must have been worried about his brother. She reached for and took his hand as they walked into the building.

Before Harv could begin to read the roster, Tad Gibson yelled out, “Did you tell them that someone is killing us down here?”

The room was silent. Harv looked at the page in his hand. “Laura Ackerman.”